Learning to fully EMBRACE!

A million thoughts race through my head as my fingers press the keys on the keyboard. I never thought I would make it to this place.   I thought this place was for so many others but not for me. I tried to get here before just to mess up and fall right back down which led to such a deep feeling of shame. I remember telling myself so many times “why even bother”!   At the age of 9 years old I discovered purging. I didn’t know that’s what it was called and I had no idea what path it would lead me down. It was later in life that I would learn to restrict my food intake. No one knew the battle that I was facing as I put on the mask each day and smiled and let others think I was okay. When in reality I was in a very dark lonely place of counting calories, working out to the point of exhaustion and sometimes blacking out.   I was finally able to share my struggle with a close friend at the time she was my youth pastor.   She helped me through so much, she prayed with m...

Waiting at a doctors office can seem to take forever, you sit there looking at magazines or people watching while you also watch time slowly tick by on a clock.  Or what about waiting for a precious baby to be born, the waiting process seems to drag on and on and on. I still remember the day my oldest nephew was born. She checked in that morning to start the inducing process,  the rest of us got there around lunch time. We watched the clock as it slowly passed time and we anxiously awaited for the beautiful little miracle to be born. Sometimes when we are waiting on God it can also feel this way. You pray and pray and pray and then you wait, wait and wait some more. Well at least this is how I have felt over the last few months as I been caught in waiting. I graduated with my masters degree in May. Up to this point in my life I always had a pretty good idea of what was next in life. I would plan out my semester and take the classes I needed, but then the planning ended in ...

Today's blog isn't long or super profound but I hope you find it encouraging!  I believe God speaks to each of us in different ways at different times. Sometimes he speaks to us to through His word, sometimes through the lyrics of a song, sometimes it is through a message or prayer there are endless ways that he speaks to us and sometimes I believe he uses total strangers as angels to speak and minister to our spirit man. The other night while laying in the hospital bed I was listening to Laura Cooksey "Rest" trying to calm my anxieties and just rest in the Lord and in walked my nurse. And thats when it all started. She asked me what music I was listening too. You see I don't know about you all but some times I get timid and shy and instead of boldly saying "Christian" music I more or less just whisper it. But I told her who I was listening too and thats when she then proceeded to tell me that I am "much to vibrant to let the enemy to take a...

A friend of mine reminded me not too long ago that "all good things must come to an end" and that's exactly what is happening with Graduate School and my time at Grace University. As I write this blog I am flooded with many emotions just to name a few ... overwhelmed, excited, and nervous. I've been doing a lot of thinking back over the last 3 1/2 years and wow its no longer a light at the end of the tunnel but its reality this is really happening. So I want to take a little trip down memory lane. This time in 2009 Graduate School was a mere thought. I remember I was working for Sandy and Parker DeVore as the Director of Tours. I remember talking to Sandy about the different possibilities of Graduate school but at that point in my life I was looking at becoming a Registered Dietian and going to school in Conway Arkansas at UCA. Omaha well that was just a mystery trip I was planning I knew nothing about Omaha. My job came to an end with Royalty Tour, at the beginning ...

Ever had a dream that you woke up and wanted to go back to sleep so you could keep dreaming? I certainly have. But what about your dreams in life your heart desires ever wish you could snap your fingers and see them happen? I've mentioned before that I'm a dreamer, I like to day dream and just think about the future and all the things I want to do in life. Of course I can't spend too much time just thinking I have to do things to put my dreams in action. The last week or so I have really been thinking about my dreams and desires of my heart. There are so many things I want to do in life and sometimes it seems like they are so far out of reach. I often think what it is it going to take to get me to the point of reaching then end goal, and to be honest I sometimes come up empty handed and left with nothing. But I don't stop dreaming and thinking of how it might all play out, of course about the time I have it all figured out and I give my plan to God he says lets do it ...

It's been a while since my last blog. There is much to be updated on so I will do my best to do the short version of where all God has taken me in the 10 months. As I begin this blog tears have started to flood my eyes. I am overwhelmed by God and the healing he has and is doing in my life. I started this blog in 2009 as I started the journey to grad school. In 2009 I had no idea the path and roller coaster i would be jumping on. To recap my journey Aug 2009 I moved to Omaha, NE to attend graduate school at Grace University. As I dove in head first into classes I soon learned that I had issues in my life that needed to be faced. It's amazing how God has to take you away from all you have ever known put you in a totally different state to reveal these things. He has to take us out of our comfort zone sometimes to really do a work in us. Or at least that is what he did for me. I buzzed through my first year of grad school with grace and lots of energy. In Feb 2010 I began worki...

Okay so how many of you are like me and make "note to self". I find myself doing this all the time. So when I saw this picture on Pinterest the other day, which I have to admit is one addiction I just don't quite have YET, I had to grab it. And tonight I'm in the blogging mood and it's the perfect idea to center a blog around. Okay so you are waiting for the picture here it is:  So what are your thoughts? Whats the first thing that came to your mind? For me it was oh thats cute, yep thats a good idea. So I posted it on Facebook and its like the light bulb went off. I read it for the first time really getting what its said "I AM ENOUGH" the good ole "Ed" voice and low self esteem kicks in and then Miss Perfectionism does to but are you? AHH make all the crazy talk stop! YES I AM ENOUGH! How do I know? I know because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am His beloved and just being me is enough. And quite frankly that is all God asks of me is ...

Did you ever get the cramps in your feet or legs when you were a kid? The kind of cramp that is annoying and hurts so bad you can't sleep, it takes hot baths and lots of lotion and rubbing to get relief? I had these when I was a kid and the doctor called it "growing pains", these are physical growing pains. Through out my life I have experienced other type growing pains such as emotional growing pains and spiritual growing pains.  The last year and a half have been made of up growing pain after growing pain. Growing pains are excruciating at times, but just as my parents loved on me comforted me through those pains so has my Heavenly Father comforted me through the last year. A year ago today I thought it would be another day but a decision was made that I had no control over that left me feeling helpless and frustrated, things were not going like I had planned. Isn't it funny how God works? We say we will follow his will and plans and let him do the planning yet as...

Okay so I am going to be upfront and honest, this blog is not my typical type blog but its a blog of me being real and authentic. Being real and authentic is something I think all women struggle with so here is my attempt at it, hoping that it will shed light and speak to someones heart like God spoke to my heart tonight. Many people know that over the last 15 years I have struggle and fought the battle of an Eating Disorder. So tonight I was cleaning up my Facebook pictures, because I noticed I was nearing 1000 pictures. I deleted a few albums because well they are of the past and they needed to be cleaned up. Well as I am deleting some older albums I flipped through other old albums like my first trip back to Arkansas after moving to Omaha for grad school, looked through baby pictures of Tanner. Still can't believe Tan Man will be 4 this weekend. So as I am looking through the old picture and posting new pictures the all familiar negative voices start up. Now let me clear som...

Okay so it's that time of year again, well at least for me it is, time to go through the closet. For me it is somewhat of a chore, have to bring all my winter clothing up from Arkansas to Nebraska which means I need to move my summers stuff out. It is always so time consuming and such a headache. Because although it may be 40 or 50 degrees here who knows what it will be like in the south 70 or 80. The weather theses days really makes packing a head headache.  Growing up my dad always threatened to take the door of mine and my sisters closet because we never could seem to shut the door. I think back now, why did I have to be a neat freak about my closet? Why did I not just shove everything in the closet? I've done that with parts of my life, compartmentalized it, whatever is behind the door is unseen. I have to pick on my sister I love her oh I love her but that girl I am not sure why she has a closet because it always looks like her closet has thrown up in her room from the ...

Crashing waves seem fun until they take you under. Earlier this year I went to Puerta Vallarta and Cabo San Lucas. I love the ocean because it reminds me how BIG God really is and when you take the size of the ocean versus the size of teeny tiny size of sand sometimes thats how small I feel in such a big world but God loves me the same. While sitting on the beach taking in the sun I decided to go out and get in the ocean it was nice and refreshing that is until a wave came up over my head and knocked my feet out from underneath me. Not to mention it caused me to loose my sunglasses :( but God is faithful even in the small things and 20 mins later a guy found my sunglasses on the bottom of the ocean! How many times have you been faced with an obstacle that appear to be like this wave. You are enjoying life living it the fullest and then SWOOSH you have your feet knocked out from underneath you and your left with millions of questions. Questions like "why now?" or if you are ...