Do You Think I'm Beautiful?
Many people know that over the last 15 years I have struggle and fought the battle of an Eating Disorder. So tonight I was cleaning up my Facebook pictures, because I noticed I was nearing 1000 pictures. I deleted a few albums because well they are of the past and they needed to be cleaned up. Well as I am deleting some older albums I flipped through other old albums like my first trip back to Arkansas after moving to Omaha for grad school, looked through baby pictures of Tanner. Still can't believe Tan Man will be 4 this weekend. So as I am looking through the old picture and posting new pictures the all familiar negative voices start up. Now let me clear something up here I don't "hear voices, I am not hallucinating, etc" so before you diagnose me lol hear me out. It's that inner battle voices the ones we all hear every now and again "you will never...." "you will always...." I think each person knows what I am talking about, and each persons sounds different. Well if you have ever dealt with "Ed" then you know exactly what I am talking about the very critical, negative self talk. "Look how good you look and now wow you've gained weight" "do you see that double chin" "oh girl those jeans really" you get what I am saying. As I have walked down the path of recovery I recognize these voices a lot quicker and basically tell them to shut up because it is all a lie.
One way I stop the lies is scriptures "you are fearfully and wonderfully made", "I am created in His image" etc. I also use distraction, journal and other coping skills I have learned over the last few years. Most recently my get a way is through leisure readings. Taking my mind off of me and reading Christian books. So tonight I decided to start reading a book I have had on the bookshelf of over a year now called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" by Angela Thomas. So as I was reading tonight I was multitasking and talking texting a really good friend of mine who has been an amazing support to me and I have to her as she is in recovery as well. One thing I love about this friend is she "gets it" I mean she really does because she's fought her own battle with Ed. So I can be real and honest and open with her. So like we do many times to each other I poured out my emotional vomit to her, she helped ground me and in the end we crack up and laugh at each other. Because honestly sometimes its just really ridiculous how our mind likes to take us down road of lies and confusion and then the light bulb goes off.
So I am reading chapter one and in my head I am thinking "WOW this book is really depressing" just for read the next line where the author states that she realizes she has painted a depressing picture. But I keep reading she goes on to talk about Cinderella. Crazy how so many times beauty and Cinderella end up together. She poses the question "when you think of the story which character do you allow yourself to become?" I was relieved when she stated that sh sees herself as an unnoticed face on the sidelines because when I thought of it I thought along the same lines. I don't see myself as Cinderella and I don't see myself as the stepsisters. So now she has me interested in the chapter. Because all women want to be Cinderella we want to be beautiful and noticed.
As I continued to read tears streamed down my face as I begin to realize I'm quite normal. So many times I have said "i just want to be normal" because the disruptions Ed has caused my life at times I've felt anything but normal. The part of the chapter that really got me though was when she states "I truly believe that the longing to be known as beautiful is part of our design as women. God put us together this way on purpose. we are wired to long or beauty and to be known as beautiful, yet the wold does a wonderful job of squelching this desire" WOW how true is that! Angela tells more stories and then she talks about pretending...this is where I had the OH NO I should stop reading now moment. She makes another great point the pretending is not living, its a subcategory of living. It made me think of all the masks I've tried to wear through out the years. The thing about pretending, it only lasts a season! Eventually the fairy tale ends and that's when life hits us. Have you ever stopped and asked God the question "Do you think I'm beautiful?" I think as Christians we shy away from it because logically we know YES HE DOES but yet we don't believe it in our hearts. Every woman wants to know that she is desirable, that someone will fight of her and that she is beautiful.
The struggle with beauty is not intensely personal, its "intensely feminine." Our feminine design is both mysterious and complex but exactly how God has wired us. John Eldredge in his Book Wild at Heart gets this, crazy how he understands us women. He says "Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman hearts to be fought for . . . She wants to be more than noticed - she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued. Every woman also wants an adventure to share . . . A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself . . . Every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. Not to conjure, but to unveil. Most women feel the pressure to be beautiful form very young, but that is not what I speak of. There is a deep desire to simply and truly be the beauty, and be delighted in." As I read theses word tears continued to pour out and I asked God.. Will you fight for me, will you be my hero, will you call me beautiful? Whats crazy about all this is Gods been waiting for us to ask him these questions instead of turning to another human or what have you to fulfill these desires. The great thing is God gives us the answer ins Psalms 45:11 "The king is enthralled by your beauty" Wow
Angela concludes the chapter with this
"The God who slung the stars across the heavens... the same One who shaped the mountains and valleys with the palm of His had...the God whose very breath gives life ... that God, the King, has always been taken with you. You have been noticed, He thinks you're beautiful, the glass slipper fits, the music is playing, and He's asking you to dance."
So will you dance? Self esteem, self efficacy, self worth and self image maybe things we wrestle with for the rest of our lives but I am so blessed and so grateful that I can lay my head down tonight and know that my God loves me and thinks I am beautiful.
As I concluded the chapter I logged on Facebook to share the Psalms scripture and had a few notifications. And with puffy red eyes I read that one friend wrote "You are beautiful" hmm think it's by chance, okay so maybe the one comment but there were 3 comments by 3 different people...still think it's a coincidence.... NO I think it's God knowing how stubborn I am showing me something. Of course I have a hard time taking compliments and my rebuttal is "its an old picture" okay so its an old picture and God gently tells me "Your outer shell may have changed in the last few years but your heart is the same, you can not change your inner beauty" WOW thank you God for using Facebook and Angela Thomas' book to remind me that you think I am beautiful.
I will try and blog more as I read through the book but I strongly encourage every woman to buy this book! Reading it for yourself will transform your life I already see how it is going to change mine and thats after 1 chapter! 
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