5 Years Ago - From Despair to Hope

I woke up late today, I had to jump out of bed throw on clothes and run out the door. I hate when I starting my day rushed and frantic as it throws off my schedule. I had a busy morning, I saw student after student without breaks. About 11:15am it hit me. Today is December 10th. For some it's just another day for me it is a very monumental day. Tears began to run down my face despite my will as I wanted to stuff them back I had a lunch meeting coming up with a student and needed to get it together. The Holy Spirit had other plans. 

December 10th, 2010 at about 11:15am I had departed the Phoenix airport with my mom and was headed towards LA. That afternoon I walked in the doors of Pacific Shores Hospital (PSH) in Oxnard, CA and signed myself in to round 2 of treatment for anorexia.  I was angry, bitter, yet numb. I was so ashamed that I had to be back. I knew that day that I would be in treatment for Christmas and New Years. I also knew that I would miss the birth of my nephew Logan. The miracle that day was that I didn't walk in alone but my mom was with me. The doctors did not feel it was safe for me to travel alone due to the many syncope episodes that I had been having. My heart was not in the best condition and overall the eating disorder was slowly killing me. In the weeks following I would go through extensive testing with the cardiologist as well as extensive labs to discover that my kidneys were not functioning at the normal level and I was very close to entering kidney failure. I was sick. The eating disorder ran my life. My emotions and my day were determined by the number on the scale and the food that I ate. 

Every year I reflect back on my time at PSH. I have remained in contact with a handful of the girls that went through treatment with me. Each of us are in different places in our recovery. Some of the girls I went there with are still sick and are still battling on a daily basis. The last 5 years have not been easy and I've not always made the best recovery choices. In fact I relapsed at one point, an abusive relationship led to me wanting to gain control and at the time I turned back to my eating disorder. It caused me to spend a week in the hospital having more test ran and doctors and clinicians telling me that I needed to go back to treatment. I refused to go back. The difference was that during those couple years of recovery my faith grew in knowing that God is my Healer. 

I wish I could say that on this day 5 years ago that I was determined to get better that I was tired of living with an eating disorder. I cognitively knew I needed help but help was the farthest thing from what I wanted. I kept a journal both times I was in treatment. From December 1st - December 14th there is not a single entry. Again my shame was too great it seemed unbearable. 

This morning I received a text from my pastors wife it said "I woke up with you on my heart this morning and just wanted you to know that I would be keeping you in prayer today." I didn't have a chance to read this text until 11:25am today due to being so busy. And when the tears began to fall today the Holy Spirit whispered ever so softly "I'm still with you, I haven't left you and I was with you 5 years ago as well"

Then about 11:30ish I got an email subject "?" and then all it said was "You hanging in there? You seem to be in fast forward any time I see you lately!" The same person that sent me the email came by my office to physically check on me today. She just said "how are you?" And I was honest and vulnerable you see the shame that had me bound so tightly 5 years ago has been losing its grip on me! I told her I was trying to hold it together because a student would be in soon for lunch. I shared with her how I was feeling overwhelmed and that my heart was heavy for so many students right now. She gave me a hug and as she was leaving she said "don't forget to remember the goods things too". 

I came home tonight and had been contemplating going to our women's Christmas party at the church. Once I'm home I hate to leave and well lets face it, I've been super tired lately. I went ahead and took my shower and decided to go after the nudging of a friend. Again God showed Himself faithful. The Holy Spirit saturated me. God knows exactly what we need when we need it. The last 4 months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me yet I have a Heavenly Father that loves me so much that He places people in my life day after day to speak life. 

December 10th, 2010 looked a lot different than December 10th, 2015. I didn't spend my evening in a eating disorder hospital, I spent my evening in a church with a Heavenly Father that lavished His love on me not because of what I weigh or what I look like but simply because I am me and I opened myself up to receive from him. It is different because in the last 5 years I have allowed God to come in and take control over my life. My prayer is that by continuing to share my story that others will be encouraged. No matter what we face the good, the bad and the ugly we have a gracious and loving Father that just wants to wrap His arms around us. While the enemy wants to play reruns in my mind and still wants to try to defeat me by what a scale says or by what foods I eat my Father says "you are mine", "you are beautiful", "you are fearfully and wonderfully made" and the one thing He continues to say to me is "I love you!". 

My heart is full of joy tonight as I truly believe this season is coming to and end and God is going to fulfill His promises! Better things are yet to come!  I can't even begin to imagine where I will be on this day in 5 more years!