The Call to Parent - SAY WHAT?!

Here is a blog that I wrote on February 22nd, 2015:

Sure God, I’ll do that when I’m married, no problem. This was my first initial response when God began speaking to my heart about becoming a foster parent. It seemed to be a passing thought in October 2014. The thought never crossed my mind that God would be calling me to be a “single parent”. So I didn’t think much of it as I was in the midst of grieving the loss of expectations and ideal relationships. My mind was overwhelmed and my heart was heavy. I was done and ready to check out. I was struggling in many areas of life yet I kept going day after day pushing through the muck. I had to keep going I didn’t have time not too. So to stop and think about being a foster parent well I didn’t have time to stop and think about it nor did I have the energy to entertain the thoughts.

I love how even when we are weak and struggling God continues to pursue us because even though I didn’t stop to think or entertain the thought of being a parent God didn’t stop working or preparing my heart. Time went by and I kept chasing after God and His will for my life.

The month of November the tides really turned in a lot of areas. It was during this time that God reminded me that “He is still God and He has not forgotten me”. My heart of discontent, hurt and anger began to shed its layers as I began to encounter God like never before. I don’t know that words could eloquently describe the transformation that began in my spiritual life. My stress continued as my career took a turn in a different direction, the certainty that there once was within my church was crumbling, my relationships with friends and family were rocky at times yet even through the raging waters I still heard from Him. He whispered to my spirit in the midst of the storm that He was calling me to something new, something that would require faith, something that would require obedience, something out of the box.  My flesh became fearful about this calling because in looking at my strength and myself; what God was calling to me seemed impossible and far-fetched. I remember thinking and taking my argument to God one night and I’m sure He just chuckled a little bit before he soothed my heart and mind. The argument sounded much like this:

“God you’ve got to be kidding me, I can’t do this” “God are you hearing me, you are asking me to do something HUGE, are you sure you want me to do this?” “God do you remember who I am? I mean do you remember all the stuff in my past that I’ve done” “God are you even hearing me? Do you even care that this is stressing me out?” “God do you realize what others are going to think when I share this with them? They are going to think I’m crazy!”

And that night all I heard back from Him was “do you trust me?” well Yes God I trust you, but this also seems crazy. Again I sat this down in the back of my head. You see those that know me well, they know I try to compartmentalize everything, I try to plan everything out even down to the smallest minute detail and as I mentioned before November was a busy time for me. I even at one point remember thinking “Evonna you have lost your mind, why would God….” And then I filed it away to deal with it at a later time when I had “more time” to focus and process it out.

A few more weeks went by and I just couldn’t shake this whole “foster parent” thing. It was mid December I was with some friends they were decorating their Christmas tree and I was standing back watching. They shared a special story that went with each ornament they shared the story of fostering two little boys and then shared their adoption story and how they received their little miracle. My heart was full hearing them share their story yet part of my heart was hurting and it was also healing. You see earlier that night the conversation of fostering children had come up and I didn’t say much except “I’m single people would think I was crazy if I were to foster a child”. Too much of my dismay, my friends began to share about another single friend of theirs who was an extraordinary foster mom. Yet doubt and uncertainty were still there.

Later that week I had a doctor appointment with a specialist for some health issues I had been having. A wonderful friend whom is also a spiritual mentor to me had rode with me to the doctor. On our way back we were discussing different topics and I opened up and shared some of what I felt God was doing in my life. I shared how work was tough at times because I just wanted to help all the kids and in the weeks previous it was very clear that some of the kids at work needed a higher level of care and needed to be discharged. And as I was discussing work and jumping around to several other topics I boldly stated, “God is calling me to be a mom, He wants me to be a foster parent”.  I don’t remember her exact response but the reaction that came across her face was nothing what I was expecting. I was at least expecting to hear “are you sure?” nope her face lit up she smiled and immediately she was accepting of it, probably more accepting of it than I was at this point. I dropped her off at home and I headed home before going to church that night. I tried rationalizing it in my mind that she was accepting this information it just didn’t make sense to my carnal mind. This was huge God was calling me to something so much bigger than me and something so much greater than I had ever been called to before.

Later that evening I was driving to church and feeling content and a little bit excited about this new adventure. Then I got a call from work. A student was being discharged, and while I knew she would be leaving soon I was not expecting for her to leave the next day and really was not expecting that she would be transported to her next placement by police car handcuffed, this child was 11. My heart was shattered. I made all the necessary calls and did all I could to arrange her transport before church started. That night was a night of prayer. I needed that time. I fell on my face before God, heartbroken, confused and a little bit angry. I prayed for my student and then the anger began to come out. I am so glad that God can handle my anger. That night my prayer was this:

“How could you God? I had this whole transition planned out and now you are just yanking her out of our program. Don’t you see this is not what I had planned? And God you are asking me to something so much bigger than me you want me to foster kids and I’m struggling now with letting go of an 11 year old that hasn’t even been living with me! I CAN’T DO THIS!”

            God gently responded to my frustrations and I remember so clearly his response:

“You’re right Evonna you can’t do this alone, you can’t do this in your strength so why are you trying to do it that way? What you are struggling to see is I’ve been preparing you for this time. So why are you waiting? I asked you a month ago ‘Do you trust me?’ If you trust me, why are you waiting to step out and step into this calling?”

I was brought to tears, as I was flooded with peace and an assurance that this was not a crazy thought but this was indeed God speaking to my spirit.

I was able to see my student off the next morning and was so thankful that God heard my hearts cry and she was not handcuffed. It was still very much an emotional morning for me, many were concerned and came to my office to check on me. It became too much and I was unable to process my own emotions so I left and took a drive. I headed to the church to speak to a friend. As I was driving over I felt the Lord speak to my heart and say “this another part of the preparation stage”. It was so very hard for me to say goodbye to this child who is not reuniting with her parents rather going to a different program.  Just as that goodbye was hard it gave me a glimpse of some of the pain that I will feel after having a child in my house that may or may not leave to be reunified with their parents. He also showed me that I did all I could do to help while she was in my care and now it was time to release her back in to Gods hand and continue praying for her.

I arrived at the church and I pulled in not paying attention to the reserved parking sign, as it wasn’t a Sunday.  The reservation signs are new we have some for visitors. As I turned my car off I looked up saw the sign that said “Reserved for expectant mothers” I have parked in this spot many of times and never thought anything about the sign yet on that day my heart felt as if it was going to leap out of my chest tears filled my eyes. Even as I wrote this out my eyes tear up as that strong emotion welled up inside of me again. I walked inside to speak to my friend. I shared about my morning and work but then shared with her what God spoke to me the night before in prayer and about the sign. I shared with her that I’m done waiting; I had waited long enough. And when God asked me “why are you waiting?” I had no reason to wait so I would be moving forward to become a foster parent and would be sharing with her the progress along the way.

That night I was looking online and realized that I would need to list 2 family references. So I got on the phone and called my parents. I didn’t really start the call well as I asked if they were sitting and if I was on speaker. I then asked them “Are you ready to be grandparents again?” I quickly had to rebound and inform them I was not pregnant and that I was in fact still single. I then shared about being called to be a foster parent. They were so accepting and even a little bit excited for me. This again confirmed to me that I was in fact doing what I was supposed to do. I then called my sister and shared with her and yet again another person was excited for me.  I’m still not sure why I was shocked by such confirmation this is not Gods first time to confirm things to me more than once through different ways.

The next morning I called children’s division and spoke to the worker and she stated she would send me the paperwork and gave me a brief overview of the process. As we were getting ready to end the call she said “I really hope that you don’t change your mind as we could really use you as a great resource for some of kids”. My heart was so full of excitement.

I received my paperwork and filled it all out. I also set up my first in home visit. This initial visit is to look at cleanliness and safety. I continue to have such excitement in my heart for this adventure. It’s hard to think about how reluctant I was in the beginning yet again it goes to show one how much God can change your heart and outlook. Now it’s hard to believe that I will have a child in my home as early as the beginning of May.

Today I’m thankful that God has chosen me to parent and love a child even if it is just for a time. What I know is that much like my students that have came and gone the greatest thing I will ever do for them is to continue to pray for them even after they depart my home. Ronald Reagan said it well “we can’t help everyone but everyone can help someone”. Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to help someone!