I'm a Perfectly, Imperfect Mom

At time's I've been known to be a neat freak. Although I don't think my mother would agree. There were always arguments growing up between my sister and I of whose clothing or belongings were on the floor in the room or who made the mess in the bedroom we shared. We have since laughed about this and I still often say "Cristina is the messy one". She is a mom who goes to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry coming out of the baskets, unmade beds etc. And as a single young adult there was part of me that didn't understand this. You see I have some OCD tendencies that I think are learned behaviors. I struggle to go to bed at night without making sure all the dishes are in the dish washer or are clean. I try but often fail to make sure the house is picked up and I use to be able to clean my entire house in just a few hours so never really understood why my sister didn't constantly have laundry going and why she had dishes in the dishwasher.

You see this was my before I became a foster mom. In college I got even more lazy and part of why my dorm rooms or apartments weren't picked up is because I was just lazy and why fold clothing when you are just going to wear it again. One thing though that I always did was if my mom or anyone was coming to visit I would make sure my house was spotless. Well 46 days ago my life changed in the matter of the clicking of two carseats in the backseat of my car. I picked up my first placement a sibling group a 2 year old and a 6 month old. The first week that I had these two little ones I was doing laundry and dishes daily, I would scurry around the house at night getting everything picked back up and cleaned up from the day. Then week 2 was upon us and I made to trips to urgent care (one for each child) 2 trips to 2 different ERs (one for each child) and a follow up appointment with the pediatrician. I was exhausted as I was doing this all while starting a new job and working to transition my last student home from prior employment. I went to bed praying and in tears every night that week. The weekend came and then Monday was here and I was still exhausted.

Week 3 and 4 we settled down a little bit still had some doctors appointments but we managed and we got through it. Week 5 of having the kids I left them in respite care and went to Cancun for a much needed and long over due vacation.

Week 6 I was ready, I was rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to tackle the duties of being a mom. I got the kids back and the first morning I was back we headed off to urgent care colds, teething and ear infections. No worries though because I had a 3 day weekend. I think in those first three days of being back I lost all the sleep I had gained while on vacation. Again I found myself in tears questioning "am I really cut out for this?". Being a single mom is so hard. Being a single mom to a 2 year old and 6 month old you just met, is so hard and is challenging to say the least.

By the end of last week I was ready to call it quits. I felt like a failure I wasn't cut out to be a single mom. Why in the world would God ask me to do something that I was just going to fail. I felt as if I wasn't "good enough" to be a parent to these children. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I spent some time praying and begging and pleading God to intervene and show me what to do because what I was doing was overwhelming yet still didn't feel like enough.

After spending time in prayer I finally picked up the phone and called a dear friend and I let it all out. I was completely raw and real with her. I let her in to the places that I didn't want anyone to see that place that I had painted on a smile every day and would let everyone know being a mom was great. (which it is and I do love this opportunity) but for a moment I let my guard down and I put all the emotions out on the line. We talked through it and I picked myself up and went on but I still felt awful and my emotions were all out of whack.

This same friend was able to come over to my house this week after I got the kids to bed and I started out the night by having a pity party feeling bad for myself and being very raw with how I was angry and frustrated because of all these different factors and how "life wasn't fair". She listened as I jumped around from topic to topic and then because she is a God fearing woman who isn't just concerned about my emotional well being but also my spiritual well being she brought new perspective to my situation.  I won't go into all the details but I walked away from my time with her feeling at peace. The Holy Spirit used her to shed light on what started to feel like a  dark cave.

I have always been a "perfectionist" I hate to make mistakes and I hate letting others see me fall. I try to hold it all in and hold it all together even when life is crumbling on the inside. For many years I masked my pain and hurts from abuse with an eating disorder. My friend asked me that night "what is it that God is trying to show you or do in your life through all of this?" and at first I was clueless but as I have been able to process and spend time with him. God has been showing me that I'm perfectly imperfect. He has used many events work related, personally, through the kids etc to humble me and help me learn to accept me for me. I believe acceptance is one of the hardest things in life.

So what does all of this have to do with the opening story of this blog about my sister? My sister get's it and she accepts her limitations. Is she less of a person because she might have dishes in her sink or mounds of laundry? oh no! You see I got a temporary emotional high by having everything cleaned up and put away yet I was left exhausted and stressed especially if it didn't get done before going to bed. Here is the reality that I am accepting: I have a 2 year old who loves to dump his blocks on the ground and make messes, I am a single working mom who is doing my very best to meet the physical and emotional needs of these two babies every day. By constantly cleaning and getting things done to mark of my "to do list", I'm missing out on quality time with my little ones. I'm learning to accept my imperfections and flaws as a parent. I'm also learning what it means to live a balanced life. Sometimes that means leaving my little ones at day care until 6pm instead of picking them up right away after work so that I can do homework or see my client. This has been a hard humbling experience. I'm thankful that I can watch my sister and the mom that she is and learn from her. Does she always get it right? Nope none of us do. Does she take things for granite, absolutely we all do. I believe we are both great Momma's! We don't always get it right the first time but we learn and we move on. Our kids never go hungry, or without hugs and kisses, they always have clean clothing but sometimes they are going to eat fast food or spend time with a babysitter or go to day care.

So while I've only been a "parent" for 46 days I've grown and learned so much in the last 7 weeks. My life changed all by putting two carseats in the back of my car. I love these two babies so deeply and am so glad that God puts people in our lives to help bring things into perspective because the enemy wants us to think we are failing but my little guy and little sis have shown me multiple times this week that I'm not failing them I've given them a safe healthy environment to grow and thrive in even if its just for a short time!

I'm a perfectly, imperfect foster mom and I accept it!